Reckless/unstable/stupid/irrational/unnecessary/frustrating…

I keep realizing I’m a difficult person to be friends with. And, I am in debt to those I put through so much stress just because I don’t listen.

I’m sorry. 

I really was searching for something I already had.

I just can’t believed how loved I am.

I’m already loved.

My life is good.

Excuse me for treating you horribly if you prevent me from seeing that fact.

You deserve it.

And to all of you who are the good in my life, I thank you deeply.

It’s because of you that I can confidently stay true to myself.

Didn’t know how much it was bothering me until I started talking about the situation out loud and I couldn’t stop crying.

All of it. Everything about it is more harm than help. I cared too much. That’s what blindsided me to the fact that NONE of you cared. You didn’t know I went through possibly the worst months of my life, with my emotions taking over me almost everyday. 

I never stopped trying to reach out. But, I’m probably not the most important person to any of you anyway. So, why should I bother at this point?

You guilt trip me, ignore me, treat me like we don’t know each other, treat me like I’m the last person you’d want to spend time with…

All I wanted was to get closer to you all. To be that person who you come to with any updates about your life. If I felt more a part of your life, I’d text/call you with so many things on my mind.

I’m tired of trying to be a part of something I was thrown into. I had no say then and that is still true now.

Whatever this is, it doesn’t exist. Honestly, it probably never existed.

It’s up to you if you want to prove me wrong.

Motivation

I’m getting you back.

I know I’m one to splurge on myself and others.

But, I’ve learned to do my part on saving up for things that I should take care of.

It’s surprising that I’m moving towards my ideal situation - my family doesn’t ask, nor do I ask them, about needing help paying for anything.

Rent. Replacing my phone. Medicine. Shoes. Facials. Piercings. Late fees/mess-ups. Voice lessons. Treating people out to dinner, Sumo, and such.

Let’s say, I got pretty good at this budgeting thing. So good that I met my challenge of cutting back to earn enough to pay off my Summer Session on time.

And guess what?

For those of you I still owe dinner, I still have the ability to spoil you ;)

As you can see…I’m pretty proud of myself haha

Wouldn’t you be?

It’s a weird feeling when you need people to talk to, but want to be alone with your thoughts at the same time.